The other day I had ‘the cancer’ conversation with my 9 year old. Thankfully it wasn’t ‘that’ cancer conversation where I break the news about my diagnosis. She asked if she could talk to me in private and then told me in a wide-eyed sort of whisper that one of her close friends’ mum has cancer. I was glad to be given the opportunity to portray the message that cancer can be cured (especially since the incurability of myeloma is something that completely bothers me), and we talked about how one of her grandpas died after suffering from cancer for a long time, while her other grandpas had cancer and is ok now. I was so worried that she might ask ‘will you or dad get cancer?’ and how I would lie, but thank goodness that idea never crossed her mind.
Anyway – the point is that a close friend has recently been diagnosed with cancer. And she doesn’t know anything about my myeloma diagnosis.
Many years ago I had a male friend who came out of the closet and explained that he assumes that everyone else is gay until or unless proven otherwise. So, a few weeks ago, when my close friend started to feel unwell and the feeling of not being well continued longer than normal, I assumed that she had cancer. Unfortunately, my assumption turned out to be true, and she is now undergoing treatment.
I ummed and aahed about telling this friend about my diagnosis. She is a friend of mine due to our children’s friendship, and no-one in that scene knows about my diagnosis (except for one mum whose son is in the same year at school and who I met at a cancer support meeting, but I trust that she will not divulge my secret). I don’t think that I care really if people know or not – but the one thing that I am certain of is that I do not want my children to know. If I need to start treatment then there is no choice but to tell them. But for now I want to save them from knowing and worrying. (Strangely, a social worker and a psychologist have both advised me to tell them – their explanations were based on the fact that it is not healthy to keep secrets and also that they must have sensed something going on over the past year.)
I felt very alone at diagnosis. A feeling that no-one really understood (though, I obviously don’t question that all the people I shared with had some semblance of an idea!) I found myself keenly sharing my ‘news’ with a couple of friends my age who had gone through cancer with their partners.
So when my friend was diagnosed with cancer, I really wanted to help her and support her and let her know that someone really understood how she is feeling. And yet I was so concerned that if I told her my ‘secret’ it would somehow come out publicly. I know this sounds like I don’t trust my friend – but I think more to the point is the fact that I don’t really trust myself! I constantly worry that I am going to leave some paper from the hospital out, or that my daughters might open a letter from the hospital or support group and start asking questions, or that they will overhear a conversation they are not supposed to hear.
As it turns out my friend is apparently accepting her diagnosis with no great emotional trauma, and I don’t think that hearing of my diagnosis would be of benefit to her in any way. She is far more dignified than I was! My own myeloma confidante has commented in the past that she thinks I handled my diagnosis so well and calmly etc. but it is quite clear that I didn’t! I’ve pretty much adjusted to my new normal now though I think, but I am sure that I will be an emotional mess if/when the myeloma advances.
The day after my friend was diagnosed I saw her alone, which is unusual since we are both normally in the presence of our kids so we got the chance to talk. She commented that so many people have cancer and you just wouldn’t know about it. I sort of laughed and said how right you are. I hope not to be able to reminisce that story with her for many many many years…
I have another excuse for not feeling like a really crappy friend by not telling her. If I told her, perhaps she would not feel like she could ‘use’ me if she needs help with something – not wanting to burden me either. This isn’t a very worthy excuse but I think it is actually true.
The issue of who to tell is so complicated. An old friend got in touch via Facebook earlier this year and she started asking how I was, about my life etc. I evaded the questions at that time since it was during the conflict in Israel and I was too busy, but I chose to write to her last week and explain to her that it feels so dishonest (and pointless) to tell her lots of little things about my life and fail to mention one very big one that has affected my life in so many ways (despite not doing treatment!).
She lives in a different country and there is very little chance that I will actually see her in person and that my secret could come out in front of my kids, so it also felt safe to be able to tell her.
israelmyeloma 